Two Travelling Feet #1

I left the house for good, leaving behind some baggage that I will never come back for. That's for the best. All I have with me now are work clothes, underwear, undershirts, sweaters, jackets, and the books that will always keep me company during quite nights alone.

Travel light. Travel fast. Travel far.




It took this long to take the next two steps forward. I am out of the door paralyzed out of fear. This is what life really is. The only person who will ever keep me alive is myself.

I don't think it matters where I go at this point. I just have to walk the rest of this path I've chosen for myself wherever my feet take me. I know for one thing that I'll be where I need to be when this all ends.

This must be what it feels like to stare life in the face. There is much beauty and much fear here.

Stuff On The Side # 8 - 20x20

Life isn't about being perfect. Trying to hard to ace everything is a road that'll lead to nowhere. So far life has showed me that I am a block of marble chipped down by constant mistakes. From the original shape which I can't truly explain, I have become what I am now: a big pile of mistake.

I am constantly reminding myself that I am new to life. That I will always be new to life. It is hard to say so, especially when I've gone through a lot. But it seems, and I dread, that the worst is yet to come.

Somehow a part of me does not fear the uncertainty. Neither does that part of me feel excited about uncertainty. He simply sees it and accepts it for what it is. I can't answer questions, or say anything that I have no idea about. I don't think I can be that person who talks for  the sake of talking. Words should not be wasted on idle talk.

Does this make sense? As I look at it now, it seems I am scared to fall short of expectations. Or at the least, I am scared of being in the wrong. What is this, pride? Maybe. Most probably. But also I've don't the dumbest mistakes out of sheer compulsion--a spur of the moment kind of thing.

I don't regret my mistakes. Or the mistakes people perceive that I have commited. They are me. Without the education that is my mistakes, there would not be the me who I am today.

Stuff On the Side # 7 - A Step Back

I shouldn't even be thinking about this. But alas the mind cannot stop, will not stop focusing on an idea especially when there is nothing else to do than sit around.

Taking a step back from everything is, as far as experience has taught me, a double-edged sword. On one hand I can assess my situation and plan my next moves. On the other hand I am vulnerable to second thoughts. And I make a lot of second thoughts.

So far life outside school feels very hectic. There is no room for error and I am mostly forced to make decisions on the dot. I can say it's fun. Having to make "adult" decisions can be fulfilling to an extent, but there's always this voice in the back of my mind asking if it's all worth it.

I've graduated from a life where there wasn't much to do other than please professors and lounge about convincing myself that college was worth it. And I guess it was. It gave me better options and that's a great thing. College is a great means of learning new things. To an extent. So far, all I've learned from college is that industry gets you farther than most. That's it. That's all my college experience amounts to. Somehow I wished I did crazier things in college like smoke up, or jump beds just for the satisfaction of saying that college wasn't a bore, that it was all worth it.

It was necessary. College is a step to something I have no capacity to fathom because the future is ever-changing. College is a crutch that supports those who want better avenues. College is an escape for those who cannot leave an easier life. College is any reason I can make up just to convince myself that it was worth it.

Just like life. Is it worth it. Most often than not. Or when I don't think of the shit things that happen along the way.

I'm tired. From work. From home. From walking around aimlessly, alone in a world where it's just me, my friends, and my significant counterpart each struggling to make sense of something we cannot hope to make sense of.

Which brings me here. What am I looking at right now? I don't know. I can't really say. Plus there's this fear that whatever I do now can never justify me. Or anything.

Does this make any sense.

Some Small Things # 17 - Lucid Dreams

I just woke up four times in a row. And I've never had a lucid dream like THAT in a long while. Normally I would be aware that I was lucid dreaming, where I'm able to manipulate some things here and there, or that I simply know that I'm dreaming.

Here's what happened:

-PART I-

I am, immediately, walking to the jeepney stop that goes all the way down Pedro Gil to get to Taft Avenue. I am listening to Anberlin songs from their album Vital, but Orpheum seems to stand out. It begins to rain and I feel the droplets land on my skin. The water is cool and soothing. I feel like I'm in someone's embrace. I get on the jeep and watch as faces pass me by. They are all going about their business, walking, talking, gesturing. The rain gets stronger. The raindrops are ice cold. I feel the warmth from my body dissipate.

I get off at my stop, running to the nearest cover which was 7-11. I come inside and look out the window. Other people are running for cover as well. Two couples have smile on their faces. Their cheeks are red with excitement. I notice some lonely feeling somewhere in the back of my mind, crawling its way out.

I sit down and wait for the rain to stop. I buy prepare instant coffee. As I mix it, I think of the day ahead. There will be much walking. The rain stops abruptly. For a split second, everything is grey and stops. I am alone. Everything resumes.

I get up, not even touching the coffee, and move on. I walk down Taft towards UN Avenue. I take out a Philip and light it. I smoke while I walk the two blocks. Someone asks for a light. I offer him my cigarette. We go about our business. I turn the corner of UN Avenue towards NBI. I stand in front of the gate and read:

WE ARE SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.
ALL CLEARANCE APPLICANTS PROCEED TO OUR NBI SATELLITES

AT THE FOLLOWING ROBINSON'S OUTLETS

I read Robinson's Galleria. I am tired. Someone bumps into me. It is raining again.

-PART TWO-

I wake up and I am lying on the floor of someone's balcony. I see an eagle flying overhead. The tiles are cold from the rain. I realize I am soaking  wet. She comes out offering a towel. I take it. She has her own and proceeds to dry me up. I take her hand and tell her I missed her. She says nothing.

We go inside. It is still dusty as before. The couch smells of something stale. We sit there, looking out at the horizon. There are cars passing over a bridge. A few other houses sit down the hill. The rain starts again, but  stronger this time. The wind blows into the room. I ask her how long it has been. She takes my hands and counts nine. She says she missed me too.

I feel cold.

-PART THREE-

I wake up and I am lying on the bench on my balcony. The few is beautiful despite the dreary look of our garage. The orange hues make everything look dreamlike. Everything looks hazy. The rain makes it even prettier. I remember the call I just made a few days ago. It wasn't the smartest thing to do. I remember my dad. I break down and cry, wondering what a kid like me was supposed to do with my life.

-PART FOUR-

I wake up and I am on a bus. She is sitting beside me, asleep, listening to music from her phone. She looks silly, with her mouth open. I caress her cheek. I think how lovely she is. She wakes up a little annoyed. She notices that it's me and smiles. I smile back. She goes back to sleep.

The sound of raindrops hitting the bus is loud. I hear dead voices. I hold her hand, stroke her arm. I am unperturbed. I have heard them before. Only memories trying to haunt me. I look at her again. She is sound asleep. I laugh to myself. I appreciate the simplicity of our situation. I wonder if it stays the same.

The bus stops. I wake her up. We get off the bus. I help her down. I carry her bag while she holds our umbrella. We walk to the jeep that will take us to Town Center. The jeep is full. I ask if she wants to walk. She laughs and tells me it's too far. I argue that it's not.

We get on the next jeep. The rain gets even stronger. No one notices. The rain is warm to the touch. I remember tears. She asks me what's on my mind. I smile and tell her it's nothing. We hold hands for the whole ride.

-END-

I wake up not realizing it's the real world. I get up and hit the showers. I soak for what felt like an hour. I got out and got ready to leave for Manila. I look at myself in the mirror. I feel the ring on my finger. It feels heavy. I wear my clothes and get to walking. I listen to Anberlin as I make my way to the jeepney stop that takes me down Pedro Gil. I realize that I've been here before and that I've done this before.

I realize I am really awake.

Well. There you go. Dreams are weird. Very fucking weird.

Some Small Things # 16 - Incandescent (not the art book)

It's been about three weeks since I last stepped in here. It's been four or five years since I've felt this. Every year from 2008 (or 2009) I fall into this weird pseudo-negative state that I can never seem to understand. It feels comforting, and also very painful.

I am haunted by ghosts from a life I left behind at the corner of Petron, Ortigas where I used to walk someone. I am haunted by ghosts from the streets of Katipunan where I always pass to get to someone. I see ghosts every time I turn a corner looking for faces I'm sure I will not see anytime soon.

An incandescent bulb has only so much power it can never bring light to the shadows of a room. So are the dream spaces I have recently visited--have always visited by the will of my subconscious mind. So are the memories that spring from behind, catching me completely unaware.

I graduated high school bearing the weight of actions I regret. Like taking that camera. Where I tried to justify the actions of someone, knowing it would put me on a fence. Or playing at hearts. Where I was a fulcrum that snapped right at the middle when I couldn't bear the weight of them both.

I remember all the smiles and all the laughter. But everyday I wonder if that was meant to keep the dark at the corners. Everyday I wonder, maybe, just maybe this one bulb I have would give out. I wonder about how it'll be when I have to feel my way around a familiar room. Always just this familiar room.

I wonder why, despite all the wonderful memories in my head, this deep dark place always calls the loudest. Ghosts calling my name. Dead voices singing songs. The allure of some faces as they point their crooked fingers at me.

All my dreams I make and manipulate. However, I have to deal with the backdrop of memories tainted with regret. I am always with familiar people in familiar places. I am always sure where I am going, but I never know where to, or why. I will always be alone in this hell I unknowingly created.

Maybe I should switch to fluorescent?

Stuff on the Side # 6 - For Your Information

During my typical commute to and from school, I notice something that I didn't quite mind before. If you don't already know, I take trikes to and from school from time to time (mostly during times where I need to beat the clock) because the trikes take a faster route, but they're more expensive than travelling by jeep.

So I ride a trike on the way home and notice a notice (see what I did there) on the windshield of the passenger car. On the notice it says the rates of each ride. Regular passengers pay the regular rate (around Php7-9 per person or Php 15-17 for special trips) while senior citizens, disabled peeps, preggy mommies, and students have a discount (I don't remember, but I know it's a whole lot cheaper).

Before I paid for the fare (which strangely happens after every ride) I asked the trike driver about the notice. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Kuya ano po ibig sabihin nitong notice? (Sir, what does this notice mean?)

Driver: Anong notice? Saan? (What notice? Where?)

Me: Eto ho *points at the thing*. Sabi po rito may discount mga estudyante. (Over here. It says students have a discount.)

Driver: Ha...

Me: Magkano po ba pag estudyante? (How much is it for students?)

Driver: dise ocho. 

aside - 18 bucks is how much they usually charge. I assume it's the 17 regular fare +  Php1 per extra kilometer.

Me: Nakalagay po sa notice 15 pesos lang po pag estudyante. (The notice says students only have to pay 15 bucks)

aside - but it was actually 13 bucks + 0.5 pesos per extra kilometer. I just told him 15 bucks so he still gets some extra.

Driver: *doesn't reply*

Me: *hands him 20 bucks* eto kuya oh. (Here you go, sir.)

Driver: *hands me 2 bucks*

Me: Kuya yung, discount. (Sir, the discount.)

Driver: *Irritable* akin na yang dos. *hands me 5 bucks* sa susunod dise ocho bayad. Pagbibigyan lang kita ngayon.

-end of conversation-

SO. What have I learned from this encounter? One thing that I thought was that none of the trike drivers knew about the notice which meant that they were unknowingly exploiting commuters of their money. That or they knew about the notice and exploited the hell out of commuters.

To those of you who commute, when you see notices like these, know about it and inform. Approach the appropriate authorities and ask about details. If you see people being talked out of their money, tell the appropriate authorities. You have the right to be informed. You have the right to inform. To everyone in general, know the rules and respect them. They're there for a reason. We didn't survive as a race by killing each other.

P.S.

To the people manning public utility vehicles, I know you're trying to earn a living for god knows what reason. Please earn your money legitimately. One way or another, you're going to regret breaking the rules.

Stuff on the Side # 5 - Pearl of the Orient (my ass)

Disclaimer: Strong Language

Putang ina lang Kainis naman ng mga tagamaneho ng bus sa EDSA. The government has recently implemented a new transportation system where 3 types of buses have a stop corresponding to each of them. Bus A's can only stop at A designated terminals. Bus B's at B terminals. C's at C's.

Eh putang ina lang Unfortunately, some bus companies must not have informed their drivers and conductors about the change of plan (MY ASS). So my friend tells me his experience on his way home to Pasay. He got on a supposedly air-conditioned bus, but found out later that the AC was broken and had in its stead electric fans. Welcome aboard ordinary fare.

Anyway that's beside the point. The bus he got on was an A bus at Cubao which is a C terminal. See anything wrong? And at this terminal, monsieur tsuper and his sidekick conductor boy were reprimanded by the MMDA (peeps in charge of road discipline LOL). Life goes on. Then a little later, the bus stops at Ayala, Makati which is a B terminal. See anything wrong?

So the MMDA guy/girl (my friend didn't tell me the sex of our dear MMDA personnel) flagged the bus driver and they had a short argument where the MMDA person told monsieur tsuper that A and B just don't mix, also taking monsieur's liscence. Monsieur tsuper reasons out that he didn't know about the new system (despite it being about a month old). Monsieur tsuper then tells conductor boy to deal with the MMDA. Conductor boy comes back saying he payed the MMDA person Php1000.00 cold hard cash (in assortments of 100's, 50's, and 20's folded in half I muse) to get monsieur tsuper's liscence back.

Putang ina lang. See anything wrong?

1. My friend shouldn't have ridden a reprimanded A bus at a C terminal

2. Monsieur Tsuper and his sidekick have no respect for people who are hard at working paying taxes.

3. MMDA person is unfortunately stupid for giving in to corruption. Easy money it may be, but fuck that. I'm going to be working and paying my dues to society soon. Hearing about shit like this pisses me off.

Respeto lang naman kasi kailangan natin para medyo gumanda-ganda ng kahit konti lang pumumuhay natin dito sa Pinas. Kung puro sarili lang ninyo iintindihin ninyo eh putang ina lang diyos ko po wag na tayong umasa pang umunlad.

Laki ng titi niyo di niyo naman alam gamitin. Kaya ang daming buntis.