Some Small Things # 15 - Incandescent

Hey guys! I've recently finished drawing the stuff I'm featuring in my latest art book "Incandescent". The drawings portray the most lucid of my dreams about childish battles, unforgettable horrors, or personal sanctuaries... Come explore my subconscious as you flip through Incandescent page by page.

(not the official) cover of my latest art book entitled "Incandescent"

To those of you who are within the locale of the Philippines particularly Metro Manila, I, in collaboration with MOARBOOKS (www.moarmoarmoar.com), will be selling copies at two venues. On February 9, 16, and 23, Moarbooks will be at Art in the Park High Street supporting indie artists and their works (mine included). Also on February 9, I will be showcasing Incandescent at Komikon Baguio together with people from Moarbooks. Hope to see you around!

For reservations or inquiries, just leave a mail at incandescent2013@gmail.com or leave a comment here.

Stuff on the Side # 4 - Now I See

I just woke up. It is 3:16 in the morning and I can't get back to sleep because my subconscious has been challenged and, as I feel deep in my gut, passed.

I just woke up from a series of dreams.

Dream #1: Thesis

No, this dream had nothing to do with thesis, but had everything to do with the people I am suffering thesis with. In this dream we were celebrating the end of our suffering by going up the mountainous north and drinking to whatever the future had in store for us.

Then our host and my dream self made an elaborate plan to make sure we went a day ahead because, well, sexy-time. While they were making sure everything was going smoothly, I was going hay-wire. How can my dream self bear the thought of cheating on my girlfriend?

By the time they reached the host's place, my dream self was having second thoughts.

I remember her efforts, though, wearing her home clothes (or whatever you call the clothes you wear at home) which was a pair of worn jean shorts and a loose fit off-shoulder shirt. If my high-school self saw that, he would have knelt and prayed and thanked the heavens. Dream me (who, I realize by now, is not me, which I will explain later on) as much as he wanted the sexy-time, declined the offer.

Dream #2: Drunk

"Keavin," she said.

"(belch) who'reyouwhy'rehere," I said, trying to make sense of things.

"Guess," she said as she took my clothes off.

"Stopthat." In my drunken stupor, I flail my arm to discourage my stripping. "I'm married."

"Yes, I know." She sat on top of me and began (or tried) to kiss me.

"Then gerroff me."

"But it's Wina." (insert pouty face here)

"If you're Wina, answer these questions.

1. When did we first kiss?

2. When did we first hold hands?

3. sfawoejrawemrawperwioer....."

(Wina too drunk to comprehend/recall)

"You aren't Wina." I push her to her side of the bed, then turn the opposite way to snore.

She, a little hurt (and happy, I think), proceeds to sleep.

"I love you Keav."

"I love Wina."

Dream #3: High school

This was a re-dream (if that even makes sense) where I (or dream me) lived in an alternate universe, but generally, under the same circumstances. The only thing that changed in this universe was how the places and things looked and functions (like how car wheels were the souls of I-have-no-idea-what).

Moving on. I was spending a lot of time with my alternate universe high school sweetheart (at least that's what she felt like). We would hang out at the park nearby talking about schoolmates and the stupid things they did, but mostly we talked about us, and the things that we were about to do.

Which we didn't. Because my principles overrode the dream.

- - -

And I wake up. And I realize (or confirmed) a few things.

1. The subconscious is not an alternate you. It is a totally other person. This doesn't sound sensible and it is hard to explain. But I know for one thing, my subconscious is not me. It functions as a default. A "what 'I' would do given a situation" kind of thing.

2. My principles are so ingrained into my very being, neither reality or dream can bend it. Despite some lusty albeit funny circumstances that has everything to do with sexy-time, I took the obviously better choice to be loyal (unless being loyal to you is no better - then suck it up bro SUCK IT UP BROTHER/SISTER). I am very happy to know I've become better, after all that I've been through.

I See The Light || Tangled OST

The feels of this song. It's been playing in my head for a while now, this past few hours. But yes, now she's here, shining in the starlight. I'm where I'm meant to go. Normally, I would keep things like this to myself, but I'm too happy to care. See you in a few hours Wina.

Some Small Things # 14 - Act of God

 Disclaimer: Not very uppity. Do not read if you think I'm going to ruin your day with my problems.

This is a little more than I can take, which is why I used the phrase as my title. My world is crumbling beneath my feet.

I am constantly having to rise from all the problems the universe throws at me. However, today took me unawares.

I may (or may not) have mentioned this before, but I am in college by the generosity of my very good friends (the sponsored my full tuition for my 2nd year) and brothers and more recently under the sponsorship from very kind alumni writing my ticket to non-academics. I have endured pressures from monetary difficulties and family disputes (that go a very long way), but today I feel I am at a great loss.

The very good provider of a mother that I unfortunately have (as I may or may not have mentioned before) adopted a boy and put him through private school. Both of which I do not approve of (the prior I did not know until I saw the child) for obvious reasons (money and feuds). Now that my mother realizes that we cannot afford to put him through such privileged education, she is asking people where she could possibly move the boy (despite the fact that my sister, the boy's legal guardian, wanted him study at a good-enough public school).

That's just the cake. Where's the frosting?

She is imposing on me to pay for the boy's education. Her reasoning behind this statement:
"Your sister is useless. She won't even provide the boy milk!"

Mother, that's because you never thanked her for whatever else she could give, and when she couldn't you treated her like trash.

"I'm getting old. You have to help me."

You're age is no excuse. You chose to adopt a child (albeit under my sister's name), you take responsibility. You have put so much of your failure on my shoulders I cannot take anymore. I cannot.

"I am your mother."

I am your son. If you think children are reared to provide for you in your old age, then you are gravely mistaken. If that is your idea of love, you are gravely mistaken. I will not put myself in a position where I give and all I get in return is your scorn.

- - -

Thesis. Thesis. Hell. On. Earth. Not because it's difficult. Oh no, no, no. The circumstances prevent me from moving forward. My thesis adviser (may the gods help her family) is on leave due to a family emergency. I only hope that someone can take me in before I lose everything.

Act of God.

Moved by the unmovable mover of things.

I laugh at the universe and its sick sense of humor.

Some Small Things # 13 - Zombies, man. They freak me out.

So I woke up today from a nightmare. As the title suggests, it was about zombies. And me. And I swear to whoever it is up there, it was not fun being in that dream because for one thing it was very lucid. The feels I get as the hair on my back slowly stands followed by that shiver. Ugh. Geez.

The thing is, I've been having these dreams for a while now (which isn't so bad since I have material for the small art book I'm working on) that it's making me paranoid. I never used to get so freaked by ZAs. Heck I used to call out for one. But now, minus all the high school hoohah, plus the fact that I have so many things I do not ever want to lose, Zombie Apocalypse = hyper-neurosis.

I remember in the dream this morning, I sent Wina an e-mail that goes something like this:

This may sound insane, but I know they are coming. When you get a letter from me and it says "Run", you take whoever you want to take and drive south. Take only what you need with you. Take your phone and a charger and charge it. Please charge your phone. This will probably be the only way I can contact you. I'll be taking my mom's phone so we can talk to each other just in case. Drive south as far as you can. Find some place remote. I don't care where, just find a far off place that has low population. And if it does happen, I will find you. I WILL find you.

Leave some credits for your mobile just in case so you can tell me where you are and how you're doing. I will do the same. Be safe.

Afterwards, I got up from my seat and lo and behold, my aunt (who is currently wrecking the peace in our house) was a shambling lifeless thing. I got the nearest kamagong (a very dense type of wood carved into a durable + lethal bludgeon - I have two at home, one upstairs and one downstairs) which in this case was downstairs and, well, downed the thing.

It wasn't very pleasant. I don't see how people can live taking another persons life. In my dream, I killed my aunt. She was dead to begin with, but I killed my aunt.

Then I geared up. Running shoes, a small bag with a few canned goods. I was wearing my trusty pair of shorts (filled with pockets) and a thick black jacket + rainproof jacket + hood.

I left the house and texted Wina to run. No answer. I just killed someone and now I have miles between me and the one reason I'm still alive. No answer. I rush to get to the rooftop of the compound (which I have done before on nights when I was very lonely) and used the rooftops as a means to get to the main highway. The going wasn't easy.

There wasn't much activity on the way to the main road, but as I got there, I saw everything. I heard everything. Screaming. Screaming. Everywhere I went all I heard was people calling out to their gods and their mothers. Oh and the children.

I blacked out somewhere around the time I saw the children. Little things clawing and reaching while their mouths gaped, waiting for a taste of the living.

I found myself on a bus headed south, next thing I knew. It was on the South Luzon Express Way by the time I came to. I asked the bus driver (who looked more like a dad saving his family) to drop me off before the toll gate into Alabang. He asked me if I had some death wish. I told him I was trying find what he looked like he had and keep it. From there I walked, cautious about the fuckers walking dead.

I got to Wina's place. Their vehicles was missing. I didn't know if that was a good sign. I climbed into her room through her window and found no Wina. Instead I found things I don't think I can accept at the moment. But they were there. And I ran for my life. I jumped from the window, almost breaking an ankle due to my panic, and made my way out of the village.

Next thing I knew I was back on SLEX walking aimlessly, trying to get to Wina despite not knowing if she made it or not. Or if I made it.

- - -

I woke up this morning. That was something to be happy about. I checked my phone and Wina texted. Another thing to be happy about. God. Zombies I swear. Who in the seven hells invented that concept.

Some Small Things # 12 - Uncertain Future

Disclaimer: I'll be talking about negative stuff. If it isn't your thing/you don't want to ruin your day (sorry if I do), then don't read any further.

I am a very neurotic individual. Despite the things that I've learned in the field of psychology, I persist to wallow in my despair. Unusually enough, this is soothing - not in the 'I'm feeling a lot better' way. It soothes my mind, thinking that being in despair makes the most sense.

It doesn't make sense for me to feel uppity when I lost my files and am sprinting to finish my thesis. Just a few days ago, the component of my flashdrive decided to disappear along with all my important files (thesis files, my literature, my music, pictures of Wina). It doesn't make sense for me to think straight when the people close to me are in fact far away.

Despite my knowledge that the future is uncertain, I want to be assured that I'll make it somehow. I have been working my ass off on thesis, and it just slips from my fingers. It seems so impossible, despite all my precautions, I always seem to fuck things up. I didn't lose all my files - I still have a copy of my thesis 2 to 3 versions down. But the fact that I lost my main copy, my tabulated data, my interpretations, it's so crippling.

I've been lying around these past few days thinking about the future. I lose myself in a fantasy world full of dwarves, elves, and men doing impossible things against impossible odds. I cannot imagine to bear their failure, but neither their success which will always be beyond my reach. I am an ordinary man and cannot hope to be great, this I know. And I have no qualms with this reality. But I have been taught to pursue more, that my desire to excel exceeds my ability to achieve.

I want to do more. I want to be the best. I want to impress. I want to do these things because I never got the chance to be appreciated as a child. But then again I just want to finish all of these things so that I can get over with life. It's just so frustrating how my patience (and sanity) is constantly being tested. I have considered many morbid things and never imagined I would return to this pathetic state.

I have gained so much and I am so close to losing everything.

Some Small Things # 11 - The End is a New Beginning

I will try to say what I can as briefly as I can because there's a lot to say and not a lot of time saying it. A lot has happened these past few days that have put a huge smile on my face. I speak of some bridges that I have crossed, mended, and burned.

To the CAS Chorale, I applaud your performance last Thursday, the 20th of December for your outstanding performance. I left the chorale in good hands, it seems. You have a long way ahead of you. I hope you guys go farther than my batch ever did. Don't be discouraged when the odds are against you. If they do weather your mood do not hesitate to sing. For the love of music, sing. Nothing can be more powerful than the feeling of giving life through music.

To those who I have offended somehow, by the way I express myself or how I sternly defend my principles, I cannot say that I am sorry. But we are friends, and we learn a few things that allow us to understand each others' actions. No matter what we do against each other (by intention or not), I think good things will always come as a result. I hope that we can grow better as we live in these trying times.

To my friends whom I speak to less and less, there are some things (situations and thoughts) that I need to reconcile because the old pictures that I have no longer fit what their subjects actually are and it disheartens me. I fear for change and how further away you all become as time passes whether by my doing or yours. I bare thick ropes that are about to snap that I hope somehow I will be able to mend and not break.

The year is about to end. So will my life in college. I hope the best for what comes after both for me and for those of you whom I hold dear.

Stuff on the Side # 3 - Sentiments on the Homecountry

With as much control as I can muster, I will try not to make this post a rant, but more a discussion on how my experience today relates to the behavior (as I observe) of Filipinos. I do not mean to generalize.

Just a few minutes ago, as I was walking back from school, I almost died. Yes. Once again, some motorist who does not seem to have any care for life or consequence tried to run me down as I crossed Aurora boulevard. And once again, it was a truck.

Now before I get deeper into things, I will express my contempt against trucks and their drivers. Long ago during my days in high school, I was slapped on the left side of the face by a delivery truck's side mirror. It was not what I would call a pleasant experience, but it made me ask questions. The following years were no different, where assorted vehicles of the same type tried and failed to off Keavin Mutuc (consciously or otherwise). However, my questions have been answered, in a manner of speaking.

Question: Why are these truck drivers so eager to run down pedestrians?

These motorists have licenses. They supposedly took exams that would educate them regarding driving etiquette, say for example NOT running a red light and almost killing a man trying to cross the street. The balls on nerve of these people. There is an observable carelessness for others that I find laughable for a very collective culture. What could possibly drive them to do such heinous albeit stupid acts?

  

My best bet would be stupidity. Ignorance would be a perfect euphemism, but I like expressing my thoughts plainly. People are stupid (although not entirely as I could discuss another time whether or not in this same post). The thing with Filipinos is that they have this fear of inconvenience. They are addicted to immediate pleasure. They do not think far beyond the present.

"Kelangan kong magmadali. Kung hindi, kakaltasan na naman nila sweldo ko."

(I have to hurry, or they'll impose penalties on my pay.)

An example motivation why Mr. Truck Driver would run me over. I cannot accept that. It felt more like this.

"Gago ata 'tong batang to ah. Kitang nagmamadali ako, biglang tatawid. Eh kung sagasaan ko kaya."

(This kid must be a fool. He sees my hurrying then suddenly crosses [the street]. What if I run him over?)

Neither statement justifies the act of running a person over, but the urge to avoid inconvenience is there. The second statement is merely my assumption of what that madman was thinking while he drove his truck just inches away from me (had I not jumped out of the way, I would not be writing this). Suppose that he successfully proved that he was king of the road, fusing me with the asphalt, what then?

 Would he have the sense to stop his vehicle, take my battered body, and drive me to the hospital, or drive for fear of being inconvenienced (in this case, not wanting to answer for his actions)? Would bystanders call an ambulance, inform the local authorities, take note of the license plate of the truck, and try to secure my body, or just stand by and wait for someone to make a move? Would the authorities bring Mr. Truck Driver to justice?

Thankfully enough there will always be someone who knows the emergency hotlines. The thing is, I fear people would not touch my broken body thinking that if they did, they would be involved in the whole humbug (fear of inconvenience). And should the culprit be caught, will justice be swift and decisive?

Let me segue to an experience that happened to my mom, my sister, and I when I was in my early teens. We were on the way to the reception of a family friend's wedding. At an intersection, a taxi collided with the right side of our car. My mom was semi-conscious, her forehead bleeding. My sister was unconscious seeing as the taxi hit her side of the car. Our car kept moving, but constantly to the left where a bus (which thankfully enough was not in motion) caught and stopped the car.

The nose of our car was a wreck. I had to yank at the door where my sister was a number of times before it gave. I literally dragged my sister out of her seat (I don't remember if I was in shock, or if my sister was just fat. Love you sis.) and looked at the people standing around. They were standing around. If I had not shouted for help, they would have taken their time waiting for someone else to help.

Why I'm talking about this is because it worries me that stuff like these are rampant. It isn't just jeep drivers or truck drivers. Motorists in the Philippines seem to enjoy making pedestrians think twice about crossing the streets.

[If I may, I will express my sentiments in the vernacular] Hindi ba nila naisip na pagsinunod nila ang mga patakaran sa pagmamaneho eh mas dadali ang karanasan nila sa daan? Lagi na lang nag uunahan ang mga bus at jeep para lang makahakot ng pasahero. Hindi man lang nila gamitin mga signal light nila para man lang malaman ng mga ibang motorista sa likod nila na tatabi sila sa kaliwa o kanan. Tapos may mga bus pang alam nang ang sikip na ng daan eh pipilitin pang isingit and kalaki-laki nilang sasakyan. Meron pang mga tsuper na akala mo kung sinong may ari ng kalsada. Basta-basta na lang haharurot. Wala man lang silang konsiderasyon sa seguridad ng kapwa nilang tao. Lagi na lang ang sarili ang inuuna.

Dito ko na rin nakita ang yabang ng mga pinoy. Yabang na wala sa lugar. Yabang na walang kalaman-laman. Kung magmayabang ka man, siguraduhin mo man lang na may ipagmamayabang kang may kabuluhan. Walang natutuwa sa pahabaan ng tite nagmamataas na tanga hindi man ginagamit ang utak. Hindi kayo binigyan ng lisensya para manggago magloko sa daan.

Sa mga autoridad namang aming inaasahan, hinahamon ko po kayong maging masusi sa inyong pamimigay ng mga lisensya. Sana lang ho linisin ninyo ang sistema. Kung maaari po lamang, hulihin ang mga namemeke ng lisensya (ang bumibili pati na rin ang nagbebenta). Sa mga nagbabalak magmaneho, wala pong masama kung sa tamang pamamaraan nating kunin ang ating mga lisensya. Kung may nangongotong man, isumbong sa mas nakaiitaas. Hindi po lahat ng tao sa gobyerno ay tiwali at mukhang pera.

I challenge my countrymen to be responsible for your actions. Ano pa ba ang pinagmamalaki ninyong Filipino Pride kung wala naman kayong paninindigan?