I still haven't gotten over a lot of things in my life, particularly the people I've lost throughout my twenty-one years of consciousness. Some empty spaces can't ever be filled I think. Especially when you don't really know what happened to people.
I lost my dad at an early age. I was ten or eleven, I'm not even sure anymore. And I mourned him at sixteen or seventeen. I never though I would cry like that for anyone. It isn't at all that bad, though. Losing him got me out of being a spoiled brat. Excuse the language but all the shit that I've experience so far has given me a fighting chance in a world with no sense of mercy. Okay maybe I exaggerate, but as far as I know, when he died I started asking questions that I think were important enough for me to realize that life wasn't just about playing with lego. But I miss him. It's Christmas soon and for the eleventh or so year in a row I will be spending it under the broken roof of my rundown house.
I never thought I would lose any of my friends. Worst was that I never thought I'd lose them to Death. I lost a really good friend a few months ago. She was as good as my little sister, keeping me on my feet while I returned the favor. A few years into college and she suddenly disappeared. Come my fourth year and I heard she lost her life to leukemia.
Then there were those whom I've lost from neglect. I admit I didn't quite put in the effort and I regret that. Nothing much I can do now. But I had this compulsion to look for a few of them. I'm not expecting anything but ghosts.
Just when you think you forget, the memory comes stabbing you from behind.
"She come alive when she dying
She come alive when she on her last legs"
Damned if She Do | The Kills
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