Stuff On the Side # 7 - A Step Back

I shouldn't even be thinking about this. But alas the mind cannot stop, will not stop focusing on an idea especially when there is nothing else to do than sit around.

Taking a step back from everything is, as far as experience has taught me, a double-edged sword. On one hand I can assess my situation and plan my next moves. On the other hand I am vulnerable to second thoughts. And I make a lot of second thoughts.

So far life outside school feels very hectic. There is no room for error and I am mostly forced to make decisions on the dot. I can say it's fun. Having to make "adult" decisions can be fulfilling to an extent, but there's always this voice in the back of my mind asking if it's all worth it.

I've graduated from a life where there wasn't much to do other than please professors and lounge about convincing myself that college was worth it. And I guess it was. It gave me better options and that's a great thing. College is a great means of learning new things. To an extent. So far, all I've learned from college is that industry gets you farther than most. That's it. That's all my college experience amounts to. Somehow I wished I did crazier things in college like smoke up, or jump beds just for the satisfaction of saying that college wasn't a bore, that it was all worth it.

It was necessary. College is a step to something I have no capacity to fathom because the future is ever-changing. College is a crutch that supports those who want better avenues. College is an escape for those who cannot leave an easier life. College is any reason I can make up just to convince myself that it was worth it.

Just like life. Is it worth it. Most often than not. Or when I don't think of the shit things that happen along the way.

I'm tired. From work. From home. From walking around aimlessly, alone in a world where it's just me, my friends, and my significant counterpart each struggling to make sense of something we cannot hope to make sense of.

Which brings me here. What am I looking at right now? I don't know. I can't really say. Plus there's this fear that whatever I do now can never justify me. Or anything.

Does this make any sense.