Some Small Things # 12 - Uncertain Future

Disclaimer: I'll be talking about negative stuff. If it isn't your thing/you don't want to ruin your day (sorry if I do), then don't read any further.

I am a very neurotic individual. Despite the things that I've learned in the field of psychology, I persist to wallow in my despair. Unusually enough, this is soothing - not in the 'I'm feeling a lot better' way. It soothes my mind, thinking that being in despair makes the most sense.

It doesn't make sense for me to feel uppity when I lost my files and am sprinting to finish my thesis. Just a few days ago, the component of my flashdrive decided to disappear along with all my important files (thesis files, my literature, my music, pictures of Wina). It doesn't make sense for me to think straight when the people close to me are in fact far away.

Despite my knowledge that the future is uncertain, I want to be assured that I'll make it somehow. I have been working my ass off on thesis, and it just slips from my fingers. It seems so impossible, despite all my precautions, I always seem to fuck things up. I didn't lose all my files - I still have a copy of my thesis 2 to 3 versions down. But the fact that I lost my main copy, my tabulated data, my interpretations, it's so crippling.

I've been lying around these past few days thinking about the future. I lose myself in a fantasy world full of dwarves, elves, and men doing impossible things against impossible odds. I cannot imagine to bear their failure, but neither their success which will always be beyond my reach. I am an ordinary man and cannot hope to be great, this I know. And I have no qualms with this reality. But I have been taught to pursue more, that my desire to excel exceeds my ability to achieve.

I want to do more. I want to be the best. I want to impress. I want to do these things because I never got the chance to be appreciated as a child. But then again I just want to finish all of these things so that I can get over with life. It's just so frustrating how my patience (and sanity) is constantly being tested. I have considered many morbid things and never imagined I would return to this pathetic state.

I have gained so much and I am so close to losing everything.