It's been about three weeks since I last stepped in here. It's been four or five years since I've felt this. Every year from 2008 (or 2009) I fall into this weird pseudo-negative state that I can never seem to understand. It feels comforting, and also very painful.
I am haunted by ghosts from a life I left behind at the corner of Petron, Ortigas where I used to walk someone. I am haunted by ghosts from the streets of Katipunan where I always pass to get to someone. I see ghosts every time I turn a corner looking for faces I'm sure I will not see anytime soon.
An incandescent bulb has only so much power it can never bring light to the shadows of a room. So are the dream spaces I have recently visited--have always visited by the will of my subconscious mind. So are the memories that spring from behind, catching me completely unaware.
I graduated high school bearing the weight of actions I regret. Like taking that camera. Where I tried to justify the actions of someone, knowing it would put me on a fence. Or playing at hearts. Where I was a fulcrum that snapped right at the middle when I couldn't bear the weight of them both.
I remember all the smiles and all the laughter. But everyday I wonder if that was meant to keep the dark at the corners. Everyday I wonder, maybe, just maybe this one bulb I have would give out. I wonder about how it'll be when I have to feel my way around a familiar room. Always just this familiar room.
I wonder why, despite all the wonderful memories in my head, this deep dark place always calls the loudest. Ghosts calling my name. Dead voices singing songs. The allure of some faces as they point their crooked fingers at me.
All my dreams I make and manipulate. However, I have to deal with the backdrop of memories tainted with regret. I am always with familiar people in familiar places. I am always sure where I am going, but I never know where to, or why. I will always be alone in this hell I unknowingly created.
Maybe I should switch to fluorescent?
D: NO GLOMP YOU HAS LIGHT A FIRE UNDER YOUR PWET
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